Words I'll Never Say
by WriterOfNeverKnown
Summary: It could go two ways: She's pulling away, she's walking away. 1) The words almost slip out. But he grips them tightly, shoves them into his pockets, swears he will not do this to her. 2) All he knows is that he needs to be wherever she is. So he exits Camp Jaha and runs. Spoilers for 2x16.
1. In Which He Lets Her Go

Both times Bellamy held onto her, it was the most powerful thing he had ever felt. The first time, he was safe, he was loved, he was coming home. The last time, he was dying, he was drowning, he wasn't breathing.

There are many things he can say, right now, in this instant, as she clings to him, as her body holds his and begs for a reason she can convince it to stay. He can say anything in the world. He is sure she would stay if he asked her to. He knows that as he knows his own name. He has already repeated the end of their exchange in the woods that night.

 _If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven._

He needed to hear more from her. He had to know he was needed, otherwise he would have given up, would have willingly lain down and died. She nearly commanded him, ordered him to return with her to protect their people.

He wants her to stay. Oh, he wants her to stay with him. But he cannot command her the way she did him. That is not what she needs. What she needs now is something he doesn't want to give, something that is crushing his heart and cutting off all air to his lungs. He can't breathe.

"May we meet again," she whispers into his ear. She's pulling away, she's walking away, she's going away for who knows how long. She's on her way. She's almost gone.

The words almost slip out. He almost lets them. He wants to shout them after her, wants to throw them as hard as he can at her retreating back. Anything to bring her back to him, to make her stay, to make her okay.

 _I need you._

 _Dammit, Princess, I need you._

 _I can't get through this without you._

 _What we've done…_

 _I can't._

 _I can't do it._

 _I need you here._

But he doesn't let them escape. He grips them tightly, shoves them into his pocket, and swears that he will not do this to her. If he opens his mouth, he will only hurt her, so he closes his pocket and takes the weight of those words on his own shoulders, where he will carry them until she is ready for him to share them with her.

She needs to go. But God, why does it have to hurt so much? Why does he have to feel as though she took his heart with lips pressed to his cheek and she is carrying it away with her? Why does he have to let her go?

It's the only way she will ever be able to deal with the scars on her soul. When he met her, he was the one with the troubled soul, the wounds that would never really heal. But now? Now, he can hardly imagine the weight on her shoulders. She is a million times stronger than Atlas ever was. He only held the physical weight of the world. Her shoulders bear the weight of lives, of other souls, of hearts she is responsible for breaking.

She needs him to let her go.

So that is what he does. As utterly as it destroys him, Bellamy lets her go.

He swallows hard.

He looks away from her golden hair and shattered halo.

He doesn't tell her he needs her. He doesn't tell her he loves her.

He only says, "May we meet again."

And they will. He will see her again. It is the only thought that will keep him going. He will see his Princess again.


	2. In Which He Takes Himself With Her

"May we meet again."

Bellamy has said those words before, but never have they held as much weight as they do right now. He's letting her go. He's letting her walk away alone towards a fate that may end in death before he can see her again.

His feet protest even as he stumbles through the gate and he tries to convince them that this is all he can do. There is nothing else. He cannot force her to follow him, because she believes her job is done, her purpose fulfilled. She doesn't know that even after all she's done, he loves her and he needs her with him. Otherwise, he might not make it either. That's the way they have always survived: together. They have walked hand in hand, fought back to back, mourned side by side, killed with fingers intertwined. Through everything, she has been his constant and now she is leaving.

He doesn't know when he stops walking. He doesn't remember his feet refusing to move another step away from her. His gun hangs from his hand. His vision fills itself with life inside Camp Jaha, where he could live if he wants it. He could do as she asked, he could stay and take care of their people in her place. But they are safe now, as safe as they will ever be. They have their families back. They have guards and love and blankets. What does he have other than her?

Octavia.

His sister doesn't need him. She did once, but that time is gone. She has survived even more than he has and while he will forever be there for her, will forever be protective of her, she doesn't need him.

Jasper, Monty, Harper, all the others.

They don't need him. Just like Octavia, they did once. And he kept them alive, as she told him that night in the darkness of their hallucinations. He kept them alive and saved them from Mount Weather with her, and now his job too is done.

But what does Bellamy need?

The thought startles him because he has never taken the time to consider it. Everything in his life has been about others. What does his mother need to hide her pregnancy? What does Octavia need to continue living? What does Octavia need to survive here on the ground? What do the hundred need to live? What do the hundred need to defeat the Grounders? What does she need to save their people?

All his life, he has done what needed to be done, but it was always for others. Never for himself. Now that he can decide what he needs, he's not sure.

He looks up and sees his little sister ahead, standing beside Lincoln and helping their people, wrapping them in blankets. Octavia meets his eyes, must see some kind of desperate pain there, and looks past him. She sees her walking away. She sees Bellamy's heart on the ground, beating slowly and sure to stop soon. She sees that he needs to go. Across the distance, she picks up his heart with a smile and hands it back to him with a nod. Four words are mouthed and then heard with a soul.

 _May we meet again._

He turns around. She is nearly to the trees. He doesn't know where she is going. All he knows is that he needs to be wherever she is. He needs her. He needs her because he loves her.

So he exits Camp Jaha and runs. He follows the golden hair and long before he has caught up with her, she turns to him and tries to make him go back.

"I have to do this," she says.

"I know," he replies.

"You have to take care of them," she begs.

"They are taken care of. We made sure of that," he reminds.

"You have to go back," she pleads.

"No. I have to go where you go," he declares.

"I'm going by myself," she chokes.

"The hell you are," he vows.

"Bellamy," she breathes.

"Clarke," he whispers.

"You can't," she maintains.

"Yes, I can. I'm coming with you," he swears.

He doesn't tell her that he loves her. He doesn't say that's why he needs her. He only tells her that he's going with her, no matter where she decides to go.

She knows how stubborn he is, must see in his eyes that he isn't going anywhere without her, because she sighs and turns back to the trees, keeps walking.

He steps beside her, takes her hand, squeezes her fingers, silently promises to be here as long as he can. She squeezes back, accepting the challenge.


End file.
